hard to blog in nirvana

November 14, 2008

So much good stuff has been happening to me at once.  I feel awesome!  I haven’t updated in a while for a coupla reasons that have been way too cool for me to care.

It looks like I’m actually going to CCIS this spring!  This is such a weight of uncertainly lifted off my mind.  For this reason, I will obtain a laptop.  Yes, a laptop.  My first new computer in ten years.  I’m all giddy!  I am such a performance and optimization wank; I wonder how crazy fast my code is going to run on there.  I’ll also have the power to implement one of my favorites, something I’ve never had the GPU to do before: GPU programs!  Fragment programs, vertex programs, even geometry programs!  This is really sweet.  Shader time.  My excuse for getting it was not empty, but in fact true: I will need a laptop in computer science.  This is very high end though, and will serve me for years to come.  Unless it breaks or gets stolen.  Let’s not even imagine that.  T_T

The other reason is that the whole CCIS talk thing is going forward!  I got a date set too.  Can’t remember it exactly now, this is why I have a schedule.  😛  It’s just before winter break, on Thursday.  December something.  This is when attendance will be highest for the talks in general, so I’ll get a very large crowd, all of them computer scientists or geeks in some way… wow.

When I got the first email on it, I seriously thought I was being fucking punk’d.  This is the first really good thing that’s happened to me in my whole life, aside from my meager group of friends who probably have no idea they are the reason I am not dead in the bathtub.  I thought I was luckier than usual when my mom let me go back to seeing my shrink after I left highschool in order to regroup.  My sanity hung by a thread then.  But now the funeral dirge is over, failed childhood fuck off, it’s time for a sweet-ass talk on physics!

Boy am I pumped.  I sure hope this goes well.  I feel it man, I feel the momentum building.  This could be the beginning of a much less hopeless and miserable chapter of my life!

Here also is Circus Maximus, the prog band I just discovered.  They are the definition of full-on prog wankery mixed with subtle and powerful meaning in real music.  They blend function with form almost as perfectly as Opeth themselves I daresay!



  1. Dude, once you start to take intro to programming you are going to be bored out of your MIND, man.

    Just remember you gota to bite the bullet and get through the boring shit. Remember YOUR goal is to pwn people later, once you become the shit.

    My goal is to play catch up… Perpetual catching up… damnit.

  2. Just three years ago I was cutting myself and failing all my classes because I was too depressed to do it, and yet simultaneously still alive enough to realize that was sinking me, deepening my depression. I played catchup in highschool, only to fail again. At this point I was ready to go over the edge. There was a good chance I would even be here to write this now. Don’t despair about catchup! That is what destroyed me! I basically managed to pop without dying, and became a completely new person, complete with a Unitarian congregation, a better outlook, a life plan, and more acceptance. Don’t even go down that road. Just keep plugging at what you love to do and it will turn out all right.

  3. No reason to post this public, you can just delete it if you want.

    All of us get depressed. All of us nerds. It is the nerd’s disease. You got a genius brain, you’re gonna also have black nights. Me too. I fight it all the time. Sometimes the blackness overwhelms me. I got nothing to get depressed about, but I do anyway. When you wrote:

    “aside from my meager group of friends who probably have no idea they are the reason I am not dead in the bathtub. I thought I was luckier than usual when my mom let me go back to seeing my shrink after I left highschool in order to regroup. My sanity hung by a thread then. But now the funeral dirge is over, failed childhood fuck off, it’s time for a sweet-ass talk on physics!”

    I said “Uh huh, I knew it, I read between the lines”. I am totally familiar with that line. You remind me a lot of how I was at 17.

    Listen, Bill, I am one of many people that care about you and want to see you do something important. I want to see you thrive. Someday, when you are not thriving, and feel like shit, and feel like a failure, think about that. I care about you. I care about you because you are an old buddy’s son, because you are and interesting person, and because you are one of the people that can see beyond the veil of materialism that obscures the reality of this world. Those visionary people can also see the abyss, unfortunately, and sometimes they teeter on the edge of it. Treat yourself well. Call me, even if it is 2:00 in the morning on the darkest night of the year, if you ever decide you are going to hurt yourself, and I will be there, even if I have to get on an airplane to do it. I’ve done it for other people.

    Last year a good friend of mine, without telling anyone he was hurting at all, quietly strung a rope up in a barn and hung himself. He was a pleasant successful guy with a hobby of banding and tracking hummingbirds. I helped him band birds a few times, he seemed fine. He always grinned! Nobody suspected what inner angst drove him. If he’d called me, I’d have gladly been there and spent all day talking to him. Likely he’d still be around.

    Remember this. Someday you’ll be sitting around so depressed you can’t think of anything else, and before you do anything rash you gotta tell me about it first, understand? Because I’ve been there too.

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