Posts Tagged ‘anger’

h1

uncomfortable giving

November 28, 2008

THAT’S WHAT IT WAS DAMNIT!

gwuh.  Don’t even get me started man.  TOO LATE!  YOU ALREADY HAVE!  PREPARE FOR THE ANGST PUMMELING!

So, my dad’s had this fucking headache for the past two months, which isn’t seriously big news, since he’s a chronic migrane sufferer.  It’s bad man.  Imagine the pain of third degree burns, then imagine it’s still going as if you’ve done nothing about it even after you’ve emptied the entire painkiller section of the medicine cabinet in to your mouth.  And he takes some strong narcs for these things, so let me tell you: today, STONED OUT OF HIS FUCKING MIND.  And we actually took him along to some friends’ house to turkey day.  T_T *sob*

Fortunately he didn’t say anything throughout dinner, mainly because he realized with his last scrap of coherence that it would be a bad idea.  But I was like so sick from sitting through this I had to go to the bathroom and have a nervous breakdown like three times.  And there was also a one year old there.

Now, normally, we really like babies, we just do.  But she was tired.  And crying.  Forever.  Is it unhealthy to eventually want to throw said baby through a window?  YES!  BUT IT’S WHAT I FUCKING WANTED TO DO!  😡  Not to mention it was aggrivating dad’s headache making him more deranged, and mom was totally unsympathetic or oblivious to my uncomfortable situation.  YES, I know this is self centered, but I really don’t care.  It was making me sick.  Dad was so pale he had to eat early too.  It was a mish mash of feeling sorry for him, angry at mom and that baby, and also sorry for mom and the baby simultaniously.  And I just got done angsting about getting put down by a bunch of middleschool brats who I didn’t pummel out of decency, humiliating me in the eyes of others.

RAGE AND VENOM SPIT GRRRAAAAGGGGHHHHHFFFETTDTFTFTFTTDTDTTDFTYDTDSTRTEJHDSHG

Seriously man, what did I do to my fucking karma?  WHAT IS IT MAN?  Did I rape someone in my last life, is that it?

aaaahhhhhhhh

Now I will sleep.  But be warned.  Do NOT meet my family in person.  Seriously.

h1

angst slump

September 21, 2008

In the indie life, your entire success depends on yourself alone.  Right now I’m in a serious slump, mostly due to this bitch in a youth group I’m in.  I’m incredibly depressed, and it’s affecting my ability to work.

Self motivation is vital for someone on a path like this (an indie path) and the fact that I’m wallowing in self pity and rage at this unnamed person just won’t do any good.  But others with depression problems know exactly what I mean by a slump, it’s not an excuse or laziness, it’s a failiure of the mind to cope, and this sometimes can’t be stopped.  But, it can be helped.  I find my self in an unusual situation where my own work is comforting.  So, the bullying is awful, but I still have my asocial work to distract me and comfort me.

Here’s the worry though.  What if I’m becoming an antisocial person because of my extensive experiences with emotionally abusive people?  I mean, I’ve always wanted to meet people I would like, but what if I’ve grown so inward that I’m simply not giving them a chance?  I’m social, but I’m afraid of social scenes because they always reject me.  It’s ironic in a sense.  I guess it’s funny.  To others.  But what if the reason is that I come off as hostile?  I just don’t know.

Please forgive this rant, but I had to post this somewhere, and twitter only gives me 140 characters or less.  My question to any readers I might possibly have even if they haven’t posted there (pink floyd: “is there anybody out there?” 😛 ) is: how do you deal with slumps in motivation and emotional inner turbulence throughout the day as an indie game developer or musician?  Or whatever you do as an indie.