Posts Tagged ‘happiness’

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plod along and learn things along the way

February 5, 2009

Well, I’m beginning to be a college insider, which is cool and all. I’m settling in to the routine. I have started making friends at an alarming rate. The person I thought died in me when I was maybe ten is coming back to life. Not really the same, maybe more mature, but definitely that person.

I was extremely sociable and kind to others as a small child, but at some point got beaten inward in to a pathetic recluse. Maybe the reversion is simply due to the fact that I no longer exist in what I perceive to be a hostile environment?

Regardless, it feels good, like the introverted dark reclusive Zen guy is integrating with my old personality, the happy nihilistic curious scientist. Put together I feel more complete than I have ever felt in my life. I think it is a good thing I have suffered so much, I would not have the perspective and scope that I do now otherwise.

What is happiness? Nothing special. I’m still not happy, and at this point I feel no inclination towards pursuing it. What I HAVE is contentment, something most people who think they are happy don’t really have. So I am grateful for that.

Now that I’m done being mister-life-story-bore-to-death-zomg-man here’s what I’m working on:

  • A clone of the Qix game. (assigned by Dr. Liow)
  • My book.
  • Concept drawings.
  • A general purpose topological graph program. (also assigned by Dr. Liow)
  • A sketchbook. (assigned by art appreciation)
  • An analytical history paper. (assigned by Dr. Karr)
  • A literature analysis paper. (assigned by Dr. Campbell)

Here’s something that’s freaking me out a bit… an art appreciation multi-choice test. I’m gonna have to CRAM that bitch. It’s just soooooo many stupid ass factoids with NO value! I already appreciate motherfucking art, I don’t need a million worthless discrete examples to confuse the matter. Whatever happened to pure enjoyment? Regardless, I feel like I’m somehow boned by this class. At least I still have a buffer, and I’m doing excellently in my other classes. *chkkkkt* over and out *chkkkkt*

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h1

hard to blog in nirvana

November 14, 2008

So much good stuff has been happening to me at once.  I feel awesome!  I haven’t updated in a while for a coupla reasons that have been way too cool for me to care.

It looks like I’m actually going to CCIS this spring!  This is such a weight of uncertainly lifted off my mind.  For this reason, I will obtain a laptop.  Yes, a laptop.  My first new computer in ten years.  I’m all giddy!  I am such a performance and optimization wank; I wonder how crazy fast my code is going to run on there.  I’ll also have the power to implement one of my favorites, something I’ve never had the GPU to do before: GPU programs!  Fragment programs, vertex programs, even geometry programs!  This is really sweet.  Shader time.  My excuse for getting it was not empty, but in fact true: I will need a laptop in computer science.  This is very high end though, and will serve me for years to come.  Unless it breaks or gets stolen.  Let’s not even imagine that.  T_T

The other reason is that the whole CCIS talk thing is going forward!  I got a date set too.  Can’t remember it exactly now, this is why I have a schedule.  😛  It’s just before winter break, on Thursday.  December something.  This is when attendance will be highest for the talks in general, so I’ll get a very large crowd, all of them computer scientists or geeks in some way… wow.

When I got the first email on it, I seriously thought I was being fucking punk’d.  This is the first really good thing that’s happened to me in my whole life, aside from my meager group of friends who probably have no idea they are the reason I am not dead in the bathtub.  I thought I was luckier than usual when my mom let me go back to seeing my shrink after I left highschool in order to regroup.  My sanity hung by a thread then.  But now the funeral dirge is over, failed childhood fuck off, it’s time for a sweet-ass talk on physics!

Boy am I pumped.  I sure hope this goes well.  I feel it man, I feel the momentum building.  This could be the beginning of a much less hopeless and miserable chapter of my life!

Here also is Circus Maximus, the prog band I just discovered.  They are the definition of full-on prog wankery mixed with subtle and powerful meaning in real music.  They blend function with form almost as perfectly as Opeth themselves I daresay!