Posts Tagged ‘indie life’

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quaternions page is up + good times

September 29, 2008

Let me get this out of the way – there is a new article about quaternion rotations up.  Yes, I know I haven’t showed you how to convert to/from them, so it’s useless except as a theoretical paper.  This will soon change, but TOMORROW.  GOD IM TIRED BLARG.

Also to get out of the way, 2D Boy is almost about to release World of Goo, which I’m really geeking about right now.  If you order before they release it, you get a profanity sound effects pack.  FUCK!  😀

So I’ve had some good times this past week, which is interesting, seeing as how it literally started out with me on suicide watch.  I made a full recovery on Tuesday, ironically because of a Dream Theater song I was listening to.  A Change of Seasons, and there’s this part that’s like “I’m sick of all you hypocrites!  I don’t need your sympathy to get me through the day! Seasons change, and so can I!…” and it was really inspiring.  My main problem, I suddenly realized, was in expecting sympathy for my problems.  Whereas in a perfect world I would certainly get some sympathy for the kind of shit I deal with, I realized expecting it from everyone will only make me feel let down.

Then I went skating on Thursday with James, Colleen, and Phillip on 80’s night, and we listened to music from the past (i.e. real music) the whole time while skating.  On Friday I saw James again, and we basically played Destroy All Humans and such the whole time, but after that we went back to the rink on Saturday and enjoyed a roller derby match!  Go RoCo!  That was actually a really good time.  Then the next morning I went to YRUU (that’s youth religious unitarian universalists) again and didn’t get picked on really by that girl, so it was actually pretty cool.  I had a long conversation afterwards with cool people who like Transformers, Spore, D&D, and other incredibly geeky stuff, making me feel at home.  Tomorrow Chuck and Life are on network television, followed by a Tuesday at programming club, where I really just can’t feel better.  I’m on a roll of engaging in non-suckage!  😀

But my point is, I really forget just how much I can do when I’m in good spirits.  I wrote that whole fucking quaternions article in about an hour!  I mean, that is just crazy fast.  Of course it’s not quite finished, but I could have easily just slapped all the functions up there, and didn’t.  In fact, it was like a mini paper on quaternions before it even gets to rotation, and then there’s an extensive discussion on that.

When I get up tomorrow, I’ll get straight to work on the menus and hopefully have a usable thing soon.  And then I really will get to work on the game.  I’m still deciding if it should be pure 2D (aside from the menus obviously) or if I should go all slick and shiny 3D interface on you people, with bells, whistles, and cabbage.  All puppies need cabbage to slaughter freemasons!  Ahhh, I’m like, intoxicated with not feeling awful.  I almost forgot what that was like, you know?  ❤

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angst slump

September 21, 2008

In the indie life, your entire success depends on yourself alone.  Right now I’m in a serious slump, mostly due to this bitch in a youth group I’m in.  I’m incredibly depressed, and it’s affecting my ability to work.

Self motivation is vital for someone on a path like this (an indie path) and the fact that I’m wallowing in self pity and rage at this unnamed person just won’t do any good.  But others with depression problems know exactly what I mean by a slump, it’s not an excuse or laziness, it’s a failiure of the mind to cope, and this sometimes can’t be stopped.  But, it can be helped.  I find my self in an unusual situation where my own work is comforting.  So, the bullying is awful, but I still have my asocial work to distract me and comfort me.

Here’s the worry though.  What if I’m becoming an antisocial person because of my extensive experiences with emotionally abusive people?  I mean, I’ve always wanted to meet people I would like, but what if I’ve grown so inward that I’m simply not giving them a chance?  I’m social, but I’m afraid of social scenes because they always reject me.  It’s ironic in a sense.  I guess it’s funny.  To others.  But what if the reason is that I come off as hostile?  I just don’t know.

Please forgive this rant, but I had to post this somewhere, and twitter only gives me 140 characters or less.  My question to any readers I might possibly have even if they haven’t posted there (pink floyd: “is there anybody out there?” 😛 ) is: how do you deal with slumps in motivation and emotional inner turbulence throughout the day as an indie game developer or musician?  Or whatever you do as an indie.